For by grace you have been saved through faith: and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;not as a result of works, that no one should boast. Ephesians 2:8-9
Just as I’m becoming comfortable with declaring I am a writer, determined to quench my fears, step out on faith and do the job I love, a terrible case of writers block swoops down on me. Just as I’ve committed to writing something everyday, no matter what I do, for the last couple of days I can’t produce! Actually, streams of words unable to form a coherent sentence win as the only work I’m getting out. Isn’t that how it always works? While I have a desire to resort to the old me and pout, get discouraged and give up-I don’t feel that happening this time. I’ve been in this game for a quick minute and I’m getting sharper at recognizing opposition when it comes and if I have to write about the fact that I can’t think of anything to write then that’s enough. As I go through this momentary bout of writers block and uncertainty of the next step, I think of 2 Corinthians 9:8 which says; And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. Through his grace I have sufficiency in all things at all times even now, when the words won’t come and my next move is uncertain. The word sufficiency means: The condition or quality of being adequate or sufficient or having an adequate amount of something. Even now God just asks for me to give all I have and this will be enough (sufficient). I strive for the obedience to write something everyday and I’m certain he is able to take whatever I can give and produce mighty works. I’ve witnessed him do it again and again in scripture.
I am reminded of Peter in Luke 5:1-7:
One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret,[a] the people were crowding around him and listening to the word of God. 2 He saw at the water’s edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. 3 He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat.
4 When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.”
5 Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”
6 When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. 7 So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.
Despite his best efforts, Peter caught nothing. However, his obedience to Jesus command to let down the nets, caused them to catch so many fish, the boats began to sink. Despite his skepticism, he was willing to trust Jesus and the key to experiencing Gods power rest in those five words uttered by Peter. “But because you say so.” Obedience.
Even though my best efforts fail to create material, but because you say so, I will write something each day, even streams of words or to describe my fruitlessness, (spell check says fruitlessness is a word…really?) if that is all I can muster, I’ll give it and trust that what you produce from it Lord will be much greater than anything I could have produced on my own.
He is able take even my writers block and use it for my good, if I’m willing to be obedient and trust. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says that his grace is sufficient for me and his power is made perfect in my weakness. God’s power is strongest when I’m weak, or ineffective. Romans 8:37 says in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. Not just conquerors but more than conquerors; this means God will not just cause me to overcome my writers block but I will be more inspired because of it. Lord I am committed to showing up with whatever I have to offer.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4
So the most ignored secret to becoming a real writer, the shocking truth about turning pro, is this: You are when you say you are. Until you start believing in yourself, don’t expect others to.
As long as you keep accepting monikers like “wannabe” and “aspiring” you are preventing yourself from endeavoring to be a professional. And your work is suffering as a result.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a writer. A writer of books, a writer of poetry, a writer of any and everything I could think to write. I used to write essays for fun…now that’s sad. There haven’t been many constants in my life but the one thing I can remember wanting to do from very little is to write. I entered my first national poetry contest when I was seven or eight, I once wrote a poem in high school for which I received an initial F for fail because the teacher thought I stole it from a book and warned me about plagiarizing! But for years I told myself I wasn’t good enough to be “a writer”. Low self-esteem got the best of my talent. I would look at someone else’s work and think about how great it sounded, how creatively the thoughts were strung together, how perfect the choice of words were and think, there is no way I could do that. There is no way I could ever be that good. I would look at others work and then look at my own and instantly get depressed and think whelp that seals it, I’m obviously not a writer. (which I’m still guilty of sometimes)
When I got older, I never told anyone but my husband that I wanted to write because I thought in order to want to be a writer, you have to KNOW how to be a writer. I thought in order for me to call myself a writer I had to have a degree in English or books that were published, or something to prove to people that I was a writer. The other day, I was talking to my sister-in-law and I was telling her my heart wasn’t in being an accountant and I desired to do what I loved for a living. When she asked what it was I completely chickened out, I couldn’t bring myself to say I wanted to be a writer because I thought by saying it, I would have to validate somehow that I was a writer so I chickened out and said “I don’t know, I’ve always wanted to be an editor or something, after all, I love reading.” LIAR!!! I know she was probably thinking, you’re passion is to be a what?? I wanted to say I am a writer and I want to write for a living and always have. Even though the word writer was in my brain and traveled as far as my lips, that’s as far as it got. The word never left my lips, instead, I hesitated and the word editor came out! I resigned myself to the notion that I wanted to be an editor or publisher because I loved to read but the truth was that I was too much of a coward to believe that I actually owned the talent to write. I was too much of a coward to face the criticism of my work by others, fearing what people would think so I just decided I would show no one at all.
For years I didn’t think I had what it took so for a while I stopped writing completely and I became an accountant. An accountant! The opposite of all things creative! In fact, when my co-workers joke about accountants hating to write and not being the greatest spellers I nervously laugh along quietly feeling like the only fraud in the room. I want to stand up and shout and say “I’m not one of you people, I can do accounting and do it well, but I’m not an accountant, I don’t like accounting.” An accountant once told me he couldn’t think of anything in the world he’d rather do than be an accountant. Again, him knowing I was an accountant the nervous laugh kicked in and I nodded like yeah me too, but I was really thinking, I can’t think of anything I’d rather be doing but writing, but I’m an accountant instead! I’m glad somebody’s doing what they were designed to do.
I’ve told myself for years that I’m just not creative enough or just not good enough so I just stopped writing altogether. I pushed the desire to write as far back in my being as it would go. When I did start writing again, it was so hard to even string a cohesive sentence together I thought God was punishing me for not writing anything for all those years. He placed the desire back in my heart some years ago and since then I’ve been writing but no one, other than my husband knows, or has seen any of it. I haven’t even really shared this site with anyone because once again the fear of criticism AND the fear of someone actually liking it scares me. I have been afraid to identify myself as a writer because I don’t just want to be a mediocre writer or just another writer, I want to be a writer that transforms lives by the words that are written so the fear of not achieving that scares me into not identifying with who I am at all. So I have to get used to calling myself a writer, letting others know that I am a writer and identifying with the fact that I am a writer.
-I have to believe that the Lord will perfect that which concerns me (Psalms 138:8)
-I have a gift and I want to use it to serve others as a good steward of God’s varied grace (1 Peter 4:10)
-I know that in everything I am enriched by Him, in all utterance and in all knowledge. (1 Cor 1:5)
I realize that in becoming the writer God knows that I can be, more work is involved than just simply calling myself a writer. That is just step one. Anyone who knows me knows that I genuinely value, believe in, and honor hard work. I believe in rolling up your sleeves and putting in twice as much work as expected in order to do whatever it is that you do; well. I used to tell my daughter when she was learning to tie her shoes that practice makes perfect. If she wanted to learn, she had to practice and practice often. I told her if she applied this to everything in life…it would serve her well. I have not always done this myself but this principle has been validated over and over again. While it’s true some people are just born with the raw ability to write well, I’m not one of those people. I have to work at it. I realize to get to where God knows I can be, I need to practice. I can do ALL things through Christ which strengtheneth me, including getting through the days that bring no inspiration, writing even when I can’t think of a darned thing to say, (this was one of those days), fighting through all the fears and failures and deliberately making the time to practice and practice often.
Amy Carroll paints a beautiful illustration of combining faith in God with hard work here.
“There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one” – Jill Churchill
Being a mom has to be one of the most difficult, insane, dirty and tiring jobs in the world. It is a full-time, 24 hour a day, 7 day a week gig. It’s also a job for which no prior experience can prepare you for what it’s really like. Despite the many child rearing books, online advice and psychological studies that have been done, there are never clear cut answers or remedies for raising children.
Most of my days consist of eagerly counting down the hours until either naptime or bedtime while trying to calm down a 3 year old from having a serious meltdown because she couldn’t zip her jacket or explaining to my 10 year old that the world will not end just because her friend can’t sleep over on a school night or being exhausted wrestling a 1 year old just to get her diaper changed. I love my babies but they are some of the most annoying, rude, gross, loud, and whiny people on the face of the planet. There are always prayers to be said, lunches to be fixed, hair to be combed, baths to be given, dinner to be prepared, permission slips to be signed, school plays to attend, rides to be given, questions to be answered, boo boos to be doctored, fights to break up, and mini crisis to be solved all the day long. However, the “I love you mommy’s”, the kisses and hugs, the thank you’s, the good grades, the giggles and hysterical laughs, and the tears from missing you makes it all worth it. I would not trade the craziness these three girls bring to my life for anything.
I am so hard on myself as a mother. I feel I need to get it right most of the time or else I’ll turn out complete menaces to society. Sometimes I feel an incredible burden to make the right decision or say the right thing at the right time or make profound statements that my children will pass down to their children. You know how you hear people say, my mother always said ____________. Truth is, I feel I screw up more than I get it right. I rarely say the right thing at the right time and I find myself completely tongue tied when my children ask me things and the only thing I can think to say at the moment is “I don’t know”, but that is just not acceptable to a child because children have a way of asking things over and over and over and over again until they get the answer they deem acceptable. So I find myself babbling through some explanation or answer that I’m sure left them more confused than they started but hey, that’s all I have at the moment. That’s all God asks of me though, to give all I have at that moment.
Yesterday’s moment came when I had to figure out how to break it to Vonessa that she couldn’t go outside with Sa’rae and her friends because she wasn’t big enough. She LOVES hanging with her older sister’s friends and whenever she sees them playing she has to tag along or she has a fit. Not just any fit, but falling on the floor screaming for her sister to come back at the top of her lungs, legs kicking in the air, beating on the door like she was trying to escape from prison, tears streaming down her face kinda fit. I didn’t have the energy to deal with that and Alivia’s not yet old enough to keep Vonessa interested so I had to think of something fast before she heard the older girls leaving out the door. The only thing I could think to do was make cupcakes. This is the very LAST thing I wanted to be doing but… she loves to cook and I knew this would be the only thing that would distract her. She heard the girls go out the door and asked me with the quiver lip where they were going and when her sister was coming back. Surprisingly she didn’t break down when I came up with an explanation about big girls doing big things and her possibly getting hurt if she tagged along. She accepted my explanation, I think only because she knew she was about to make cupcakes but her and Alivia enjoyed completely destroying my kitchen and those cupcakes turned out good!
The old saying the road to hell is paved with good intentions corrupted by our fears makes me quiver cause admittedly I am the queen of good intentions but God is slowing changing that. I have let more than my share of opportunities pass by because my actions didn’t follow up with my intentions. I have a habit of letting life get in the way and doing so much that I don’t do what I’m supposed to be doing. For instance, for the last 30 minutes I’ve found everything else to do but sit down and write when now is the rare time that I have the opportunity to do so. Today is national stamp out hunger day, where all you have to do is pack a bag of non-perishables and sit them by your mailbox and the mail carrier does the rest. I can’t think of an easier, more effortless way to give. However, this morning, I kept thinking of everything else to do but take that 5 effortless minutes and pack up some boxes and cans of food, put them in a bag and sit them by the mailbox. My frienemy procrastination kept whispering in my ear that I could do it a little later but my spirit kept telling me that if I didn’t do it now, it wouldn’t get done. I only had to look at the thank you cards STILL on my dresser to remind me my spirit was right. I had to literally force myself to get up and take the food to the mailbox. Shameful but true.
Like right now at this moment, I keep telling myself I need to get up, get lunch started and finish writing later. I keep wanting to check email, google something (don’t even know what), or check facebook, anything but write this post. However, I already know, later will not come so my feet are planted and I’m not allowing myself to get up or get distracted until this post is done.
Writing forces me to think, it forces me to begin something not knowing how it will end. It forces me to trust God to bring the words when I have no idea what to say and how to say it.
There are so many ideas that I have not implemented or projects I have yet to start because I keep “planning” to get started. I keep “waiting” for all the steps and details to fall in place. I’m one of those list makers. You know, the personality type that has to have everything written down, everything planned out before I start. I need to know all the details before I feel comfortable enough to even begin which is why most things I think up never begin. I also scare myself out of following through on things by getting a serious case of the “what ifs”. What if it doesn’t work, what if this person reacts in a negative way, what if I make a fool out of myself, what if I’m just wasting my time, and the list of what if’s can go on forever. Truth is, God said He would instruct me and teach me in the way that I should go so the what ifs should have no bearing on my actions because whatever happens, he will work out for my good. I love that God’s word has so many promises that it eliminates ANY excuse I have to not act.
I am learning to just take things one step at a time and turn those intentions into action. While I’m planning, God has people doing. People that trust him enough to complete the step their on while trusting that God will direct them to the next step in his time. I refuse to be a forever planner, a habitual dreamer, a non- doer. That means I have to step out on faith and get going. I have to relinquish the fear of failure, quiet the what ifs and do.
Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. (1 John 3:18)
Living in a nation that is prosperous, plentiful, and extravagant is so dangerous for my spiritual walk (compared to most of the world, this is a very prosperous nation). So dangerous that it is a daily fight to stay focused on Jesus. Living in a nation where living comfortable is the goal and the “dream” includes a lavish retirement account, and an abundance of the “finer things” in life, my perception is severely warped and I am in great danger of losing focus of how the rest of the world really lives. Living in a nation that does a great job at covering up the fact that we as believers are at war, I am often not aware of what is going on in the world around me. I am not confronted with hunger, starvation, and malnutrition on a daily basis so I am often deceived into thinking it’s not as bad as it really is. And it is really, really bad.
-Hunger is the world’s number 1 health risk, it kills more people every year than AIDS, tuberculosis, and malaria combined.
-There are more hungry people in the world than the combined populations of US, Canada and the European Union
The battle against greed is a very real one for me. Even knowing these statistics, and feeling genuine love and concern for the unreached, impoverished population of the world, I still battle against the want for more material things than I need. I love that Christ wants me to enjoy his good gifts, and he supplies them to me on a daily basis. My children are not hungry, I have a home, transportation, employment and plenty of food to eat however beyond being thankful for these things, what am I doing beyond that. I war against the “American dream” every day of my life. Honestly, I don’t want the “American dream”, whatever that can be defined as. I told my husband one time that I never wanted to be rich and he looked at me kinda odd at first but I told him give me a chance to explain. Proverbs 30:8-9 explains exactly how I feel; …give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?’’or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God. So there, I don’t want to be poor either, cause that ain’t fun!
(Caveat: There is nothing wrong with making a lot of money. There is nothing wrong with enjoying God’s good gifts so this post is not meant to convey anything to that affect. This is where God is moving my heart)
It is SO scary to even think of being blessed with an abundance of riches from my heavenly father and dishonor His name with how I handle it. Even though my flesh would want the houses, the cars, the vacations and all the amenities lots of money can buy, my spirit wars against it. I cannot comfortably justify spending money in this manner when thousands of children are going to sleep each night literally starving and some of them don’t wake up the next morning. Or when there are literally hundreds of countries in the world that have never heard the gospel but because they lack the means, ready and willing missionaries cannot go. Or when there are veterans who risk their lives fighting for our country only to die and leave widows and fatherless children who struggle to support themselves or who come back home and can’t find jobs, can’t support their families and live in poverty, struggling to make ends meet. Despite the countless millionaires and even billionaires in the world, these problems persist. This makes my heart really, really sad. I don’t want to be rich because I don’t want to be so drunk with comfort that I stop being sad for both the physically and spiritually poor.
Again…give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?” or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God. (Prov 30:8-9)
For my daughter’s 1st birthday our family decided to request donations for food for the poor instead of gifts. I prayed about this a lot and honestly it wasn’t easy to do at first. As her birthday was approaching, I thought about how thankful I was to be able to see her grow and be able to provide not only her basic necessities but many comforts as well. Before then, we regularly donated to this organization and as I would read the newsletters and see the conditions some of these children were living in and the things they ate just to keep from starving I looked at my own children and saw how blessed they were. I was so thankful to God for His grace and mercy in my own life, I prayed that He would use me to extend that mercy to others. After I prayed this, I thought to myself I wish we were able to do more and I hope God blesses us with more to give. I went on to make preparations for Alivia’s party. I normally always make a big deal out of the 1st birthday. We plan a big party and really celebrate. As I was planning and looking at the budget for her party, I was suddenly very uncomfortable with the money I was spending. I kept thinking about the stories of the children who were hungry, malnourished, living in deplorable conditions and how they were still full of joy for the Lord. How their mothers completely had faith in God to never leave them nor forsake them despite not being able to feed their children. God suddenly opened my eyes to see that I did have “more” to give already, it just meant I had to sacrifice some of my own comforts. I honestly, did not want to scale back on my preparations and my flesh fought it for weeks. My heart condition showed me that it was all good as long as I gave out of comfort but once I had to sacrifice something to give, it wasn’t so easy. In His grace, he moved our hearts to cut back on the birthday budget so we could give more instead.
One day I was on the Food for the Poor website and I came across their Champions for the Poor program. This is where a person or group raises donations on behalf of the poor. I immediately knew I should do this for Alivia’s birthday instead of asking for gifts but I fought that for weeks too. I felt bad because I thought I was somehow cheating her out of getting gifts or cheating her out of a “proper” 1st birthday. I was already cutting the budget, why should I deprive her of gifts too? First of all, she was turning 1, if I wrapped up a cardboard box and gave it to her, she would have been just as happy. Second, I had to check my heart and motives because I was so moved by the great need in the world but when I got the chance to do something about it, all I could think about was how I didn’t want to sacrifice her “day” to do so. I had to remember God’s promise that whoever gives to the poor will not want. (Prov 28:27) I prayed for God to increase my desire to give and release any fears that stopped me from sacrificing a little more to give a little more. Because God is so gracious Alivia still ended up getting gifts, but we were also able to raise enough money to feed almost 5 kids for a year. It was completely worth it to sacrifice a couple of gifts in order to meet a need.
I pray that God makes me more and more willing to sacrifice a comfortable lifestyle here for the sake of his kingdom and build my treasure in heaven where moth and rust cannot destroy. (Matt 6:19-20) I pray He gives me a heart for the unreached and needy and to care even when the need is thousands of miles away and doesn’t affect me personally. I did tell my husband even though I don’t desire to be rich, I DO want to earn a lot of money, but I just don’t want to keep a lot of money. There is a huge difference in making a lot of money and keeping a lot of money. I may not be able to wipe out world hunger but I can use what he blesses me with to bless and help those who are needy. I pray that He makes us a faithful steward with what he blesses us with so that we can be a channel through which He spreads the gospel. I desire the faith to be able to give the last I have repeatedly and not worry about God multiplying it and giving it back so I can turn around and then give more. I have always been in awe and admiration of those who have the means to live a rich, lavish life but choose instead to be rich (above and beyond average) in good works, they are generous and ready to share. (1Tim 6:18) I don’t want people to be impressed with what I have but I want God to be pleased with what I do with what he gives me.
I don’t want to be driven by greed or live in fear that God won’t supply the things I need if I give more, but this is where my heart naturally gravitates. My prayer everyday is to lessen my desire for material things and increase my desire to give more, love more and care more about the needs of God’s beloved people. Every day I make war with materialism, lust, greed and indifference. It is an all out battle for me because living where I live, I am constantly confronted with the “American dream” and how lost or misguided I would be for not chasing it. My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak so I ask God daily to make me willing AND able to obey his own purpose because I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. (Phil 2:13; Gal 2:20) Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a mans life does not consists in the abundance of his possessions.” (Luke 12:15)
I pray every day that God blesses my family and I to see what we can go without or where we can give more with what he has blessed us with already and give us the desire to do it. I also pray that He gives me balance because I tend to be OCD about things. I pray that he allows me to enjoy His good gifts while still maintaining a heart of sacrifice.
“I’ve been working so hard to keep everyone else happy, but I’m so miserable I want to die.” {Lynne Hybels, Nice Girls Don’t Change the World}
I have been in this place more times in my life than I would care to count. There is an unexplainable agony when you realize you are not living your life as God wants you to, but as everyone around you thinks or suggest you should. The kind of agony that makes you want to kick, cry, and scream but you can’t do any of it because you’re so hollow and empty and emotionless inside nothing will come out. I have been the nice girl for most of my life. Too complacent to fight back. Too fearful to step out and take risks. Too afraid to say NO, when I erroneously believe the thoughts, reactions and judgments of others are more important than my own convictions. Too afraid to strike out, be bold and stand alone if need be because I didn’t trust God. Going through with choices I knew were wrong, in fact felt a burning deep inside telling me they were wrong, for fear that I would have to face criticism, face the music and actually have to muster the faith to step out of the boat and walk on the water.
If you’ve ever seen the movie or play “Madea’s Big, Happy, Family”, the mother in the movie reminded me of what I did NOT want to be at the end of my life. Basically, the mother is this nice, gentle woman that never raises her voice and has managed to raise three children who are disrespectful, lost, and angry. The movie is about her trying to get her family together to tell them she is dying but never succeeds because they are so busy fighting, arguing, being angry, hurtful and resentful that they don’t even notice their mother is sick let alone trying to tell them something. I found myself getting so irritated with the mother’s character because to me she didn’t represent what I aspired to be as a woman of God. Here her children are disrespectful to her, yelling over her and at one point actually telling her to walk home, alone in the dark, in the middle of the night and all she does about it is…well….nothing!! I know, and realize this was JUST a movie and these characters are grossly exaggerated AND this movies plot and storyline were SERIOUSLY lacking (if I weren’t cracking up at the sheer dumbness of the characters I would have turned off in the first 5 mins) BUT still…there is some Christian mother out there right now that thinks the answer to her child cussing her out is to go in the closet and pray. Ummm…NO!
(Sidenote: I honestly think Tyler Perry keeps making these films because he really likes playing Madea, I hope not, but that seems to be the case)
For the last couple of years however, I have been thoroughly convinced that the nice girl inside me had to die. She has to die. I’m raising three girls after all and the last thing I want to show them is how to be nice, complacent, comfortable, and, frightful and fruitless not possessing the gall to stand up for what they believe. To have the light of God in them, but fearfully hide it because of what people will say or Lord forbid their convictions go against conventional thinking; doubting God like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. I have found unfortunately that with the desire to rid myself of the nice girl, I have become somewhat of the not so nice girl. I tend to find myself on either end of the spectrum…either too nice on one end or ready to bite your head off, don’t care about your feelings, you’re going to hear all I have to say about it on the other. In my quest to be and raise girls that are fearless women of God, I am praying to find the right balance. In my quest to rid myself of the nice girl, I don’t want to create the bitter, beaten down, raged filled, hopeless, tired and cynical girl that’s no use to the kingdom. Instead I pray that through His might (let me make it clear it will not be through any might or power of my own), I am transformed by the renewing of my mind into the image of Him. Lord, help me to be humble, loving, and gentle, honorable and loyal while being bold, courageous, fearless, unrelenting, capable, immovable, and faithful.
I came across this book, Nice Girls Don’t Change the World, and while I’ve only read an excerpt, the author seems to have been reading my mind for the last couple of years. I find it no coincidence that in my quest to kill the nice girl, I found this book. In the few words I’ve read, I’ve found myself thinking…that’s how I’ve felt and that’s what I’ve wanted to say but didn’t quite know how to say. She somehow gives a voice to what I’ve been thinking and feeling so I cannot wait to devour read the book once I get it into my hands. In fact, all the women I know will most likely receive this for Mothers day gifts. To be honest, I don’t know if I want to give out the books for Mothers day gifts due to my inability to pick out nice gifts and this is an easy out or because I really want them to have this book. Honestly, it’s a little of both.
Today is one of those days where I need the strength of God because I can do nothing of my own strength. No…I literally can do nothing of my own strength, as in, I can’t write, I can’t work, I can’t mother, I can’t wife. I am just uninspired to do anything but sit here and pout but I know I can’t. All I’m able to do right now is keep repeating to myself that I can’t give up. Give up on what? Give up on the things I feel that I’m not able to accomplish right now…which feel like everything! All I can do is sit here and say to myself I will submit to God and resist the devil and he must flee from me. (Jam 4:7) Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. (1Jn 4:4) God is my refuge and my strength, a very present help in trouble. (Ps 46:1-2) Boy do I feel like I’m in trouble right now! I feel like I’m at a standstill and nothing is being accomplished. All I can do is keep telling myself the Lord will perfect that which concerns me and He will instruct me and teach me in the way I should go. (Ps 138:8,Ps 32:8) I have to believe that and trust He will do what He said He would do and that right now, right where I am today, confused, lost, scared, doubtful, and concerned, I do not lack any good thing. (Ps 34:10) So I’m am going to get up from here and refrain my voice from weeping, and my eyes from tears, for my work shall be rewarded. (Jer 31:16) I shall not labor in vain. (Is 65:23) Even though today I feel defeated, unable and incapable I will wait on the Lord and renew my strength. I will run and not be weary, walk and not be faint. (Is 40:30-31) And Lord I am going to believe you when you say “For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Is 41:13)
His word is so powerful! He just literally talked me through that! When I’m feeling like I’ve been feeling today, like I don’t know what’s right in front of me because everything is dark, like I can only see the step that I’m on, I say to myself: Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. (Ps 119:105)
Last night, a tiny part of my freakishly independent self died. I had just finished cooking dinner and feeding the kids and I was preparing to give Vonessa and Alivia their baths for the night. Mind you I’m working with one hand these days since one finger on my left hand is fractured and another is severely sprained. Sadly, this does not stop me from needlessly torturing myself with the pain of forcing those fingers to do things they shouldn’t be doing and moving in ways they shouldn’t be moving because I’m determined to prove two small fingers won’t hold me down. I digress. As I was undressing them and getting ready to put them in the bath my husband had just got home and walked in and said “Do you need some help? I can give them their baths?” Now, I know I immediately should have been jumping for joy. I should left the onesie right where it rested on Alivia’s head and ran walked out. But instead a million, sinful, control freak thoughts ran through my head. Thoughts like; “Did I ask him for help?” “He is just asking cause he feels he should, but he really doesn’t want to do it so I might as well do it myself.” “If I say yes, then I’ll be showing that I need help and I really don’t.” But truth is, I really did. I still had to fix the kids lunches, get their clothes out for the next day and get myself ready but all I could think about was how I didn’t want to accept my husbands’ help.
As I write this I realize how ridiculous it sounds but I paused for about 6o seconds when he asked me and he gave me that look like if you say no, I’m not going to press it. My husband knows me well and he knows that once I’m in “mad dash” mode, it’s next to impossible to step in and stop me. He also knows that I’m obsessively compulsively independent and by my saying yes, that would somehow make me feel like my hand was stopping me from doing it on my own when in actuality, my hand had little to do with it. He knows I can bathe the girls with one messed up hand (because of course I proved this to him already) but he was just being considerate and taking some of the load off of me. As I paused, nothing in me wanted to let go of that onesie, and for some weird therapy needed reason I did not want to say yes, but I did! I stepped out of the way and let him have at it with bath time! As I looked back, I said a silent “thank you Jesus” for giving me the strength to let go.
I then went to the kitchen and proceeded to fix the girls lunches for the next day. I realized I needed to open the spaghetti sauce jar and I was determined to do it, on my own, with the messed up hand. After struggling to open that jar for about 3 minutes and flinching from the pain I was putting on my sprained and fractured fingers, I got it! The jar opened! As I shouted “I got it!” with excitement, my brother, who was literally 3 feet away and ready to open the jar for me, just looked at me and shook his head like, really!?! Baby steps…baby steps!
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Phillipians 1:6
”Celebration when your plan is working? Anyone can do that. But when you realize that the story of your life could be told a thousand different ways, that you could tell it over and over as a tragedy, but you choose to call it an epic, that’s when you start to learn what celebration is. When what you see in front of you is so far outside of what you dreamed, but you have the belief, the boldness, the courage to call it beautiful instead of calling it wrong, that’s celebration.” [Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines]
Crazy Love
Don't Waste Your Life
Out of the Comfort Zone