“I’ve been working so hard to keep everyone else happy, but I’m so miserable I want to die.” {Lynne Hybels, Nice Girls Don’t Change the World}

I have been in this place more times in my life than I would care to count. There is an unexplainable agony when you realize you are not living your life as God wants you to, but as everyone around you thinks or suggest you should. The kind of agony that makes you want to kick, cry, and scream but you can’t do any of it because you’re so hollow and empty and emotionless inside nothing will come out. I have been the nice girl for most of my life. Too complacent to fight back. Too fearful to step out and take risks. Too afraid to say NO, when I erroneously believe the thoughts, reactions and judgments of others are more important than my own convictions. Too afraid to strike out, be bold and stand alone if need be because I didn’t trust God. Going through with choices I knew were wrong, in fact felt a burning deep inside telling me they were wrong, for fear that I would have to face criticism, face the music and actually have to muster the faith to step out of the boat and walk on the water.

If you’ve ever seen the movie or play “Madea’s Big, Happy, Family”, the mother in the movie reminded me of what I did NOT want to be at the end of my life. Basically, the mother is this nice, gentle woman that never raises her voice and has managed to raise three children who are disrespectful, lost, and angry. The movie is about her trying to get her family together to tell them she is dying but never succeeds because they are so busy fighting, arguing, being angry, hurtful and resentful that they don’t even notice their mother is sick let alone trying to tell them something. I found myself getting so irritated with the mother’s character because to me she didn’t represent what I aspired to be as a woman of God. Here her children are disrespectful to her, yelling over her and at one point actually telling her to walk home, alone in the dark, in the middle of the night and all she does about it is…well….nothing!! I know, and realize this was JUST a movie and these characters are grossly exaggerated AND this movies plot and storyline were SERIOUSLY lacking (if I weren’t cracking up at the sheer dumbness of the characters I would have turned off in the first 5 mins) BUT still…there is some Christian mother out there right now that thinks the answer to her child cussing her out is to go in the closet and pray. Ummm…NO!

(Sidenote: I honestly think Tyler Perry keeps making these films because he really likes playing Madea, I hope not, but that seems to be the case)

For the last couple of years however, I have been thoroughly convinced that the nice girl inside me had to die. She has to die. I’m raising three girls after all and the last thing I want to show them is how to be nice, complacent, comfortable, and, frightful and fruitless not possessing the gall to stand up for what they believe. To have the light of God in them, but fearfully hide it because of what people will say or Lord forbid their convictions go against conventional thinking; doubting God like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. I have found unfortunately that with the desire to rid myself of the nice girl, I have become somewhat of the not so nice girl. I tend to find myself on either end of the spectrum…either too nice on one end or ready to bite your head off, don’t care about your feelings, you’re going to hear all I have to say about it on the other. In my quest to be and raise girls that are fearless women of God, I am praying to find the right balance. In my quest to rid myself of the nice girl, I don’t want to create the bitter, beaten down, raged filled, hopeless, tired and cynical girl that’s no use to the kingdom. Instead I pray that through His might (let me make it clear it will not be through any might or power of my own), I am transformed by the renewing of my mind into the image of Him. Lord, help me to be humble, loving, and gentle, honorable and loyal while being bold, courageous, fearless, unrelenting, capable, immovable, and faithful.

I came across this book, Nice Girls Don’t Change the World, and while I’ve only read an excerpt, the author seems to have been reading my mind for the last couple of years. I find it no coincidence that in my quest to kill the nice girl, I found this book. In the few words I’ve read, I’ve found myself thinking…that’s how I’ve felt and that’s what I’ve wanted to say but didn’t quite know how to say. She somehow gives a voice to what I’ve been thinking and feeling so I cannot wait to devour read the book once I get it into my hands. In fact, all the women I know will most likely receive this for Mothers day gifts. To be honest, I don’t know if I want to give out the books for Mothers day gifts due to my inability to pick out nice gifts and this is an easy out or because I really want them to have this book. Honestly, it’s a little of both.